‘Bleed in the first line’, says James Altucher on writing. Well, I think I’m going to bleed all over this page.
I normally wake up, get an idea for a blog post, write it, publish it and get on with my day. THIS blog post has been started so many times over many days. Lines of text saved here and there. I’m breaking my own blogging rule – Don’t save up blog posts, just get it out there!
Even now I can’t think how to start this post, so to remedy that, I’m going to give you the drafts I’ve been working on and the conversations I’ve been having and the internal working things out…and hope my story unfolds in a way that can be understood.
Blog Post Draft 1:
Speaking this truth is hard! It’s actually harder than I thought it would be. And yet, you would think that speaking my truth should be the easiest thing in the world. It’s my life and my story and no-one knows it better than me after all.
I thought I’d been through all the reasoning I needed to go through with myself.
So why the hell am I hesitating?!
It’s like I’m standing on the edge of the cliff and about to leap off. Once I take the leap, then it’s done and I’ll have set things into motion.
I said to a friend in an email last night that I’ve been sharing 90% of me but the final 10% feels disproportionately big.
I’m getting annoyed with myself for hesitating and instead of going deeper and revealing more I’m trying to find inspiration. I don’t need any more inspiration! I just need to tell my story unapologetically.
Blog Post Draft 2:
“I’m serious this time. The lock is broken and you aren’t coming out.”
A man stared back at me through the bars of his prison cell. He was my captive. I held the key to his freedom.
A few minutes earlier I was teasing him about how I could keep him my prisoner forever. Afterall, no-one knew where he was! Who would miss him? It would be ages until he could be tracked down to this normal looking house in suburbia whose outside betrayed what lay inside.
I watched his face as his brain ticked over….
“Was she really serious? Surely not. I’ve only paid for a 2 hour session. Though wouldn’t it be exciting if she DID mean it? I mean, that’s what I’ve been imagining for years! Hold on, NO, stop it. It would be terrifying! This is getting all too real!”
He’d made his appointment with me a few days before and had a fantasy about being held prisoner with me as the prison officer.
“No problem. I just so happen to have a prison cell I can put you in!”
So there we were. Looking at eachother through the bars. I held the key to the strong metal door of his cell, but the lock really had broken. The fantasy had just shot back into reality with a jolt.
At first I just played it down whilst I fumbled with the key in the lock. I turned the key this way and then that.
I couldn’t lose control. I couldn’t show any sign of concern. I couldn’t show a chink in my armour. This prisoner could freak out! What if he had a panic attack. What if he had a meltdown? What if he tried to fight his way out of this metal cell…
…and then I was going to turn this story into one about when things go wrong in business and offering refunds, but that’s a far as I got!
(Don’t worry, he got out.
Q: Why haven’t you shared this stuff so far?
A: Because I’ve been freaking terrified; the repercussions, the judgement, losing friends/family, (though I’ll find out who matters!), possible stigma, for that alone to become the thing that I am known for, the gossip, the questions, the unknowns…
It feels like its one of the scariest things I’ll have ever done.
I am proud of what I did and what created in my first business, and I’ve always felt like I would speak about it, one day, but haven’t because I felt like I didn’t want to deal with the potential repercussions. I either just couldn’t be bothered or I was waiting for to be ‘ready’.
However it feels like one day is here. My soul is pleading with me and I have been letting my brain ignore that. I’ve cried & hyperventilated because of the fear & because I know it’s time.
Then I thought I’d write down all the pros and cons:
1. I may lose friends (That will probably hurt, but I will find out who really matters and who I really matter to).
2. My mum may worry. (That’s her job. Mums always worry! Love you, MUM! 🙂 xxx )
3. People might express outrage that I kept this from them. (They are entitled to feel whatever they want. Just as I am entitled to not speak about ALL aspects of my life if I don’t want to. I’m sure there are lots of things that they haven’t shared with me!)
4. Friends may be hurt that I kept this from them. (I’m sorry. I just hope they can understand why).
4. Gossip (I’ve experience that before. And survived! That’s nothing new. I’m not here for people to approve of my life.)
5. Press (Really? It would have to be a slow news day!)
6. It may become the thing I become known for. (I don’t know that. I’ve done a lot of other things; photography, social media, 4am Project [it’s up for sale by the way], The Birmingham Social Media Cafe, life blogging, travel blogging, business and life coaching and so much more! Plus I’ll continue to follow my passions and continue to create!).
7. I may lose clients (I don’t know that. It’s just as possible, I will attract new clients)
8. Unknowns (There’s the unknown unknowns and the unknown knowns as well as the known unknowns.… Yeah I’ll cross that bridge as and when!).
1. I will finally have nothing to hide
2. I will finally be speaking my whole truth
3. I will be living unapologetically
4. I will show that I am perfectly content being who I am
5. I will show that I am proud of who I am
6. I will not be waiting for anyone else’s approval
7. I will be living fearlessly
8. I will be leading the way
9. I will find out who my friends are
10. The absolute right people will be drawn to me
11. The absolute wrong people will NOT be drawn to me
12. I will be walking my walk
13. I will be sharing more of my life experiences
14. I will be sharing the different aspects of my business experience
15. I will lead by example by being absolutely true to myself
16. I may make some new friends
17. I will have complete freedom
18. I will be able to share all my stories freely if I want to
19. I will have even more to write about
20. I will not be following the rules
21. I will not be trying to please everyone
22. I will be doing this thing called life my way
23. I will be able to continue to motivate, inspire and help people live their lives completely on their terms from the place of FULLY living my life on my terms & speaking my truth.
The story that you are probably familiar with is that I went from a depressed 9-5 worker and made a break for freedom into photography, then social media and now business & life coaching.
How it REALLY happened is:
I went from a depressed 9-5 worker, made a break for freedom to being a dominatrix, then a photographer, then social media maven and now business and life coach. Not a normal road to freedom, but no two roads will be the same. I’ve never been one to do normal, whatever that is.
After 16+ years of feeling suppressed and depressed, unable to express myself or be creative, of having a boss and living a permission based life, can you imagine how liberating it was to not only start my first business where I was able to express myself, dress how I liked (I had always dreamt of having a job that meant I could be OTT glamorous!), earn my own money and more than all that, be the boss in every area?!
I had experiences that most people only dream of and I met some incredible people. I felt so EMPOWERED because I WAS and I had empowered myself. When I felt like following my next passion, which was photography, that’s just what I did and I continue to follow my passions.
Until now I feel like I’ve been presenting a jigsaw puzzle. Most of the pieces are there, but there are a few important pieces missing. So when you put the puzzle together you can get a really good picture, but not the WHOLE picture.
When I say you can have the life and the business that you want and have it on YOUR TERMS, it’s not just lip service. I HAVE DONE IT. I am doing it. One way or another, always following my passions every step of the way. And you can too. You don’t have to be afraid to follow your passions, or YOUR PURPOSE in life, or live your life YOUR WAY.
So many of us stop ourselves from doing what we want to do. We worry about what people will say. We worry about what people will think. We worry that we might fail. We worry that we might even succeed!
You don’t have to do what everyone else does. You don’t have to follow any rules about how your life and work should be other than your own rules. What ARE your rules? Do you even know? Write them down now.
You have a right to live unapologetically.
You have a right to listen to your soul and follow it.
You have a right to have FUN in your work and life every single day, in whatever shape that takes, and not just try and squeeze it all in the weekends.
I’m speaking my truth. I want to encourage you to speak your truth too. 100% me. 100% you.
We can either go through life fearfully, or fearlessly. I’m choosing fearless. Are you with me?
From a member of the rat race to breaking FREE to follow my dreams, to dominatrix, to photographer, to social media maven and now a business and life coach helping non-conformists and rebels stick two fingers up at the rules to create their businesses and lives their way.
I’m taking a stand for my truth. I want to speak freely about whatever I choose whenever I feel like it; career, experiences, business, clients, marketing, relationships, money, goals, the personal battles, mistakes and the success…ALL of it.
A friend said to me, ‘It feels like you are coming out.’ And yes, it a way, that’s what it feels like. I’m shedding the chains that have kept my voice and my message small. I’m taking a risk. I’m feeling the fear (God, how I am feeling the fear!) and in the face of fear I’m acting fearlessly. There is no limit on how we live our lives and the work we do, other than the limits we impose on ourselves.
I want to continue making a difference in people’s lives and I’ve GOT to be ALL IN about it. That means sharing my story, my message, my writing, my beliefs and lessons. I’m a woman with a mission! Living life on your terms, truly on your terms, is easy – it should never be hard to be yourself – but it can also take practice, courage and commitment, and I want to help as many people as possible to take a STAND for what they want and then to take action.
What’s YOUR mission?
If you have a voice inside you that is begging and pleading with you to do SOMETHING, then now is the time to listen to it and starting living your truth. There is NO better time than right now.
You can do whatever you like in life, there are NO rules about how it should be lived. You can start something and then change your mind. You can create something and then destroy it. Don’t be afraid to reinvent yourself as you pursue your passions and your life’s goals.
Create. Revinvent. Rebel. Revolt!
Don’t follow the crowd. Take the road less travelled.
What will it all matter when we get to the end? What do you WANT to matter when you get to the end?